Post by Rainbow Blight on Jul 21, 2005 19:07:22 GMT -5
So I'm sure every male here has experienced the "Ohmigod [you] are gaaaaay," right? It seems to be quite a goddamn typical experience for people in middleschool. Well, I'm no different, except that I tended to take these kinds of accusations and turn them into an opportunity for hilarity.
For instance, back in the sixth grade, this quite large group of possible candidates for the term "homosexual" accused me of such a practice. Now, not that I have a thing against homosexuals; if male homosexuals hit on me I would probably politely inform them that I'm not into their sodomistic endeavors and would most likely kill them with some form of sharp object if they ever were to insert their cock into my ass. But nevertheless, the first time in sixth grade when I was suspected of being a member of "the other team" I was forced to reply with a hilarious answer.
In this case, of course, "a hilarious answer" means "groping the fucker's testicles." Here's pretty much how that shit went:
Him: Ohmigod, Jeff, I heard that you're gaaaaaay.
Me: No, as a matter of fact, I am not.
Him: Yes you are.
Me: *takes hand, grabs opponent's testicles, begins to massage and grope them at first, but then decides to squeeze them so that opponent is yelping in pain*
Me: Hey look, you filthy bastard, I'm touching your goddamn balls. I am not a homosexual, did I stutter? Did I stutter?
Him: No...oh God no...please...anything to end the pain.
Goddamn, that was a pretty hilarious experience, especially when the little bastard informed the principal that I had sexually assaulted him. What did I say in my defense? Well, goddamn, I just said: "Well, you see, he accused me of sodomy and I decided to rape his testicles. No problem there." The principal thought that my honesty was quite hilarious, and he ended up pardoning me and suspending him, for starting the "fight." Good times.
On another occasion, this same person accused me of sodomy again, inexplicably, but this time instead of groping his balls I simply decided to touch his testicles - repeatedly, with my foot. It felt pretty good, having my feet against the fucker's balls. Especially with the fact that he was screaming and yelping the whole time.
Goddammit, I just love violence.
A few years later, I was in highschool. This weird and possibly homosexual guy began to hit on me for some reason. Later I found out that this reason was because he was in fact a homosexual. Anyway, he attempted to grope me in the testicular area and asked me if I were willing to engage in anal intercourse with his ass. Of course, me being the heterosexual girl-loving man that I am, declined.
So he then decided to make it fit to force me into getting sodomized by him. Of course, I would not stand for that shit. So I did the only thing a fucking man could do: Inform him that I am a homosexual and that I would instead love to fellate him. I think that at this point he instantly gained an erection, which obviously made my job easier. I told him to close my eyes, and then...
Instead of sucking on his hobbyhorse, I grabbed the little fucker with my hand and proceeded to masturbate it. However, not in the normal, soft way. I did it hard. Fucking hard. I made sure to ram my hand into his testicular area many times and he began to yelp in pain. He ran away and was never heard from again.
Another time I remember was just last year; me as a senior and this possibly homosexual red-haired boy accused me of homosexuality. He was probably about 12, which only made it more hilarious. My response? Well, my exact words were something along the lines of "Yes, I happen to be a homosexual. Does this trouble you? If not, come to the shed after school and I will show you how gay my cock really is." He kind of got spooked and never spoke to me again. This was a hilarious event, especially because Cassie and possibly another person witnessed my assholicism.
For instance, back in the sixth grade, this quite large group of possible candidates for the term "homosexual" accused me of such a practice. Now, not that I have a thing against homosexuals; if male homosexuals hit on me I would probably politely inform them that I'm not into their sodomistic endeavors and would most likely kill them with some form of sharp object if they ever were to insert their cock into my ass. But nevertheless, the first time in sixth grade when I was suspected of being a member of "the other team" I was forced to reply with a hilarious answer.
In this case, of course, "a hilarious answer" means "groping the fucker's testicles." Here's pretty much how that shit went:
Him: Ohmigod, Jeff, I heard that you're gaaaaaay.
Me: No, as a matter of fact, I am not.
Him: Yes you are.
Me: *takes hand, grabs opponent's testicles, begins to massage and grope them at first, but then decides to squeeze them so that opponent is yelping in pain*
Me: Hey look, you filthy bastard, I'm touching your goddamn balls. I am not a homosexual, did I stutter? Did I stutter?
Him: No...oh God no...please...anything to end the pain.
Goddamn, that was a pretty hilarious experience, especially when the little bastard informed the principal that I had sexually assaulted him. What did I say in my defense? Well, goddamn, I just said: "Well, you see, he accused me of sodomy and I decided to rape his testicles. No problem there." The principal thought that my honesty was quite hilarious, and he ended up pardoning me and suspending him, for starting the "fight." Good times.
On another occasion, this same person accused me of sodomy again, inexplicably, but this time instead of groping his balls I simply decided to touch his testicles - repeatedly, with my foot. It felt pretty good, having my feet against the fucker's balls. Especially with the fact that he was screaming and yelping the whole time.
Goddammit, I just love violence.
A few years later, I was in highschool. This weird and possibly homosexual guy began to hit on me for some reason. Later I found out that this reason was because he was in fact a homosexual. Anyway, he attempted to grope me in the testicular area and asked me if I were willing to engage in anal intercourse with his ass. Of course, me being the heterosexual girl-loving man that I am, declined.
So he then decided to make it fit to force me into getting sodomized by him. Of course, I would not stand for that shit. So I did the only thing a fucking man could do: Inform him that I am a homosexual and that I would instead love to fellate him. I think that at this point he instantly gained an erection, which obviously made my job easier. I told him to close my eyes, and then...
Instead of sucking on his hobbyhorse, I grabbed the little fucker with my hand and proceeded to masturbate it. However, not in the normal, soft way. I did it hard. Fucking hard. I made sure to ram my hand into his testicular area many times and he began to yelp in pain. He ran away and was never heard from again.
Another time I remember was just last year; me as a senior and this possibly homosexual red-haired boy accused me of homosexuality. He was probably about 12, which only made it more hilarious. My response? Well, my exact words were something along the lines of "Yes, I happen to be a homosexual. Does this trouble you? If not, come to the shed after school and I will show you how gay my cock really is." He kind of got spooked and never spoke to me again. This was a hilarious event, especially because Cassie and possibly another person witnessed my assholicism.
